We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
