My underwear smells like fireworks.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
