Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
