What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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