please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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