I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
