she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
