just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm like, not good at living.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
