I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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