I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
