dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
