The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
