just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
