never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
