Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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