guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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