Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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