I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
