I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
