Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
