well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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