Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
