I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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