I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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