i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
