I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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