Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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