just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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