You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize