Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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