I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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