my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
