Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
