And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
