I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can feel your judgement through the phone
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
