WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He? As in you personified your dick?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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