well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
