thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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