if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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