I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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