This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
