I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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