I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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