My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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