My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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