He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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