How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
