Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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