Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
