At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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