I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she pinky promised me she was 18
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
