Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
