you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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