All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
