An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
