this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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