people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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