capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
