I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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