Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
